How do I turn it off?!

It's funny. As soon as I'm away from the computer I'm thinking of all these things I want to blog about. Then as soon as I sit down...nothing!

Well, I finally was able to come up with something. It's a problem that has been getting increasingly worse the last couple months. It won't go away, no matter how much I hope, pray and wish that it would. It consumes my life entirely. When I'm at work, when I'm at the grocery store, when I'm reading 'The DaVinci Code,' even when I close my eyes to go to sleep!! It's a curse, a blessing, a plague, and a revelation all at once. It's relentless in it's efforts to control my thoughts.

IT is creativity.

Now if you know me, you know I'm not the most creative person out there. Sure I've got a million ideas, but none of them are terribly different from anything else out there. I usually see something and want to edit it and tweak it to take it from being something okay to something SPECTACULAR.

However, lately I have found myself becoming more and more immersed in fashion. I had thought that since I had pretty much decided NOT to go into the fashion world while working at Guess?, that these dreams of creating my own line would disappear. I was wrong. Terribly wrong.

So, I went about drafting out a business plan and researching how to start my own line. I was giving it my all, and had put a lot of work into it. But since I was giving roughly 5 other HUGE projects my all, I got burned out. I didn't want to do anything. My dreams and ambitions vanished. All I wanted to do was go sit on a far away beach and never have drive or determination again. But obviously I don't have the financial ability to retire at the ripe old age of 21. So I cried, continued to work on my other projects dropped the fashion line idea and cried some more. Danielle (my room roommate) said, "Laura, why don't you just work on it a little here and there?" But I was done with having a dream, so I told myself that I was putting it on the back burner....but didn't really want to ever pick it up again.

So THIS is when the dreams should have stopped, right? I mean I literally go to sleep and have dreams about clothes, but since I felt defeated those dreams should stop, right? WRONG. Even when I'm awake, images will pop into my mind. VIVID images of perfectly detailed outfits and pieces of clothing will explode into my consciousness with NO invitation whatsoever! Even last night, I was exhausted, (it's been another busy, busy week), and I felt asleep before I even got home. And yet, as I closed my eyes to say my prayers, BAM two outfits flashed through my head. I exclaimed, "Danielle!! It's happening again! Please make it STOOOP!!!" (Danielle is very well aware of this increasingly worsening illness of mine.) She responds with her usual, "No, it's a GOOD thing Laura." I mumble something about how, yeah I know, but it's annoying and how I can't draw so I can never remember what I've envisioned, and blah blah blah. I say my prayers, lay down to sleep and then....can't. SERIOUSLY?! Like...whhaaat? I was SOO tired, and here I am thinking and thinking and thinking. I finally understand what Mom was talking about when she would be up at 1am or 2am typing away on the computer, trying to get out her ideas. Thanks for the gene Mom...

So here I am. I've been burned out. Slammed down, defeated by the idea entirely and yet...something inside me is pushing through. Reaching towards who knows what. I had given up entirely on ever wanting to accomplish this in my life and yet something inside is fighting for a chance. I guess that should tell me something. If I did everything to NOT pursue this dream and it pursued me...then I guess I have no choice. God must be telling me something. That I have this desire for a reason, and I need to continue to work on it. And I KNOW that I might not ever be great at it. I might not ever have my own successful line. I might not even sell one piece of clothing. I might only design for myself. But for some reason, this is a dream and a passion of mine and right now I'm supposed to keep at it.

P.S. (That was the intended end of the blog.....)
I actually just made the FIRST item of my new line, (called 'Divided.') and it was pretty much handed to me. Literally, it fell into my lap. Stacey, (one of my roommates) had a craft night in where you cut out a stencil and lay it on a tshirt and spray it with bleach. (I know it's super simple, and I shouldn't even be taking credit for designing them, but I am). I designed two shirts (I used images already created, and then changed them slightly). It was SOOO exciting to wear something that I could say I did. Now I just have to tell people that I did it and offer to sell them one. I probably won't sell any but either way, I think it's pretty cool.

(Pictures to be posted soon...PROMISE).